John is still with that girl…it’s been almost a full month.
My birthday is this saturday.. I just took a taekwondo class today. It was ok. It was fun except for the exercising part. But I just feel super fucking depressed today. For no reason.. I just want John back…
Who knows? Maybe all I’ve ever wanted was a person to be there for me. Maybe I don’t specifically want John. But I miss him so much..Even when I was with Angel..I’m trying..I’m not even talking to him. I told him not to talk to me… It just makes me sick. I can’t believe he would go and get a girl. And I know..I KNOW I sound like a bitch for thinking that…but I loved him. I thought he loved me. And I thought we could work through my fuck ups. I mean I made an effort to work through his! When he went back home from being here he acted like I wasn’t even here for a whole month. And that hurt…that hurt me, it made me feel invisible. But I made an effort to push through it. I know I fucked up, but he should at least try….but instead he goes and finds an african girl.. I don’t know why that makes me so sick..every time I think about it it actually makes me physically sick. I feel dizzy and nauseous. I feel like throwing up. Then I force it out of my head and it’s fine..
God I hate this…I hate this so much.
I have nobody to talk to….
I got food poisoning a couple days ago. I ate hostess’s powdered doughnuts that smelled like formaldehyde and I went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and took a shower. I got out of the shower and felt like I was going to pass out. I made it to the living room and I actually passed out. I don’t know how long it was for but I heard my mother come in the door and I told her that I didn’t feel good.. I was still in my towel and everything..it was embarrassing. But she insisted that I go to the doctor because she said she thinks something is wrong with the doughnuts because she was feeling sick, too, and she only ate one. I ate the whole package… But I’m fine..
The doctor knows that I tried to kill myself..my mom told her..Now I can’t take medicine anymore..she said that I need to do counseling..if I don’t do counseling then it’s back to the looney bin for me..