Mother or Not?

This just dawned on me. And I don’t know how to feel because of it. All it’s doing is making me think more and more about Ethan.

So last year a little bit after I was trying to get over my depression after the break up I had the “slutty” phase. And that put me in sketchy groups. The type of people that will…I don’t know I guess I’ll just come out with it. I was in groups that tend to do a lot of raping if you don’t want to have sex. And the slutty phase lasted for about a week and a half. Then I came to my senses and was asking myself what the hell I was doing with my body. So I broke off contact with that group. But at the time I had a “boyfriend” and I say it like that because all he wanted was my body. I tried to break it off with him..

It didn’t go very well. A couple days after I told him he came to my house.. And because of the universe and its perfect timing, my mom was out that day. He stuck stuff up there that wasn’t supposed to go up there. I was so stupid that I didn’t see it coming, the day I dumped him he said I would regret it and that was my last chance to apologize and act like nothing had happened. But I thought his threats were, well I thought they were just threats.

So..it was dark by the time he left. He had semi choked me, slapped me, and actually pulled some of my hair out. He broke my bra, which was the least of my problems because he gave me a baby.

My mom was back on Sunday. I had made myself look presentable, fixed my hair the best I could, and cover up the bruises. My mom didn’t notice anything was wrong. So I figured everything would be alright.

But something, like a force or energy. I don’t know. Something made me go buy a pregnancy test thingy about a month later. And when it came up positive I was losing it. And the first person I thought to tell was Ethan. Because he was always the voice of reason, he always gave me answers to all my problems. And he used to always be there for me when I needed him. He said that if he told his mom he was his then he could take care of him.

I’m not going to go all into that conversation, maybe another time but after I told my mom she said I would have to get an abortion or she would have to tell my dad. And I knew from the start that if my dad found out he’d kick me out. Or make me get an abortion and then kick me out. I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do anything.

That month my doctor prescribed me to some new pills for my depression. And it turned out that pregnant women can’t take it. So……

That was the end of that.

And today is Mother’s Day. I don’t know what to do..what to feel. Am I supposed to be sad? Do I just let it go and move on? I didn’t ever really know if my baby was a boy or a girl. I just assumed it would be a boy because I thought I knew. Does this all mean that I’m a murderer? I wanted to keep him, I really did

And at this moment, I want to talk to Ethan about it. I want him to comfort me but he’s ignoring me. I don’t know why, I have ideas but I’m not sure. Yesterday, he said he didn’t like me depressed and I told him that this depression is who I am so he doesn’t really like me at all. It just went downhill from there.

Ugh I hate emotions.

 

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Snowy Weather to Bring Out the ‘Best’ in You

Getting up for school. High school, it’s the worst. Especially if this mean girl named AJ and nosy, bitchy teachers (Mr.W, Coach, Mr.Yo Man! Mr. Key, and Mrs, P) are on your butt. Now I know that some of them are trying to help me. But I feel like such a burden to all of them by just being in their class. I would honestly like to believe that Mr. P is trying to help me this semester. The thought just didn’t stick with me when she failed me last semester, though. And I swear, I was at school in her class more than all of my classes. I did all of the work and I did it to completion. I got A’s on most of her assignments and if it wasn’t an A it was a B. So there was no reason I shouldn’t have passed her class.

Now Mr. W (Aka Lang Sais, because he looks exactly identical to him.) I can see why he’s a jerk to me. I don’t show up at his class now, and I didn’t really show up to his class then, either. It’s a shame, too. I loved Science, the very existence of everything fascinated me. And I showed up to his class a few weeks ago because the class was studying about Astronomy, thinking I was going to get hospitality. But no, all I got was hostility.

Mr. Youmen, pronounced kind of like “semen”, but I spell it Yo Man. He’s my math teacher. My math teacher last semester I liked much better. But I got switched math teachers because God hates me. I haven’t been to math since January. Besides the one time I went a few weeks ago, it also happened to be the time I was 30 minutes late to school. Trying to quietly slip in my seat, he turns his head and puts on this big fake smile and says, “Welcome back!”. I haven’t been back there since.

And Coach? I know she doesn’t want to fail me. I just don’t go to gym anymore. I feel bad for her. Like I let her down, but I guess the only person I should feel bad for is myself. There’s also this other teacher. Her name is Mrs. Foster, all she has ever done is try to help me, ever since I stepped foot in her classroom. She’s the only reason I used to go to school. Now… I feel like such a failure. Sitting here, at the park in 30 degree weather, while snow piles on my hat. Hm maybe I’ll put some of my depressing poetry out.

~Jany