I can’t do this. I just wonder when he’ll get sick of her and come back to me. I cannot wait patiently. I try to distract myself. My mother said that she is worried about me. She doesn’t believe that I’m not having sex. I just need distractions… I just want to feel loved.. I want to find the girl that I was with him. I feel so old. I’m exhausted. I want to find a reason to fight this but I can’t..and yet I still try. Maybe it’s faith, faith and hope. That we will be together again.. I want to talk to him..I want to ask him how life is going for him. How his distraction is working for him. If he’s really ever loved me.. But I just have to keep telling myself that it is not the same person. If I ignore my brain and go with my heart and end up talking to him…i will not be talking to the same person. He has helped me..so much with my medical issues. I felt happy with him, like depression wasn’t a thing. And he could somewhat control my bipolar waves. If…if he just tried a little bit harder.. He.. just lost faith in me. I wonder, all the time, if he’s ever even had faith in me to start with. I know he will either lie or tell the truth. But the truth is what I’m afraid of.
What is even worst is that I get so lonely at night. That is when I’d try to talk to him..right before he went to sleep..he was so cute…and it’s sad that I can only think that thought for a second or else I’d have to risk throwing up.. Now I just feel so lonely at night. I can’t sleep and that is when my thoughts attack me and torture me. I cry almost every night… I thought turning 17 would mean new beginnings for me. Not much seems to have changed..
I have made my decision not to contact him. I can’t do it. I can’t talk to him knowing that he has moved on. I can’t talk to him without the thoughts going..over and over again in my head..he has never loved you. He has just been waiting for you to fuck up so he can be rid of you. You were too light for him..I mean..I’m just so unsure of everything. Even the smallest things. He told me that he didn’t really have an image of his dream girl but I fit perfectly. I wonder if he tells that to her now. Just everything he has told me is probably being reused..reused like it was nothing. Like he was not being sincere but only wanted to fuck with my feelings.
I was going to send the ring back. I wore it for like a month after he hurt me. But after I found out about her, I’m not sure if I want to send it back. He might just throw it at every girl he meets.. I would like to just cling to the idea that maybe he loved a tiny part of me and that is why he decided to give that ring to me.. Either way I’m keeping it.
A city full of people and my favorite is that waitress…
You ain’t got to tangle up the strings to make this puppet work
And by the way, I can see it in your eyes. You’re angry with your life, not a stranger to the fight. I bet you hate every man that you date. And you’re probably addicted to all types of escape. You take it out on me that you’re all alone. When you know you got your own closet full of hollow bones.
I’m waiting for a city bus to flatten me
And transport me to the ever after happily
She said she’s had it up to here
She’s gonna call authorities if I don’t disappear
I love her threats, it rejuvenates my breath
I wonder when she’ll realize
That she’s the only reason I visit
The only woman in my world that acknowledges my existence
Reading the messages…reading that he doesn’t want to make me cry.. he just doesn’t know every time I talk to him i cry. He doesn’t know that just him saying “I don’t want to make you cry” makes me want to cry even more. When he calls me “Jae” or “hun”. I feel like he’s just doing that to make me cry. I feel like he just wants a reaction out of me. My name isn’t Jae. It isn’t hun. My name is Jannetta or Jany. I prefer Jany though. Thank you.
I just want to lash out..I want to lash out and cry at him. I want him to know how bad he is hurting me. I want him to know that he did this to me. I want him to know that HE is the one making me sick every single day. That he is the reason I want to kill myself. I want him to know that I go to sleep and think of him. That I have dreams about him…I want him to know that I miss his voice..His hair..His touch..
I’m going to cut my hair again…
I don’t want him to know that I’m dying. I don’t want him to know that nobody loves me. I don’t want him to know that I got so mad at the world that I lashed out on the panda bear. I threw it away. I couldn’t lay in bed with a panda that’s wearing a shirt that says “I love you Jany, forever and always” IT MAKES ME SICK. He’s a fucking liar! I cried every single night just because of that stupid fucking panda. Just because he can’t keep his promises. He’s just like Ethan..
He said he cares about me. I think he thinks I’m stupid.. I’m not stupid. He can’t lie straight to my face. He can’t…
He’s going to marry that african girl. I fucking hate pina coladas. I fucking hate black girls. I fucking hate the world. This is making me do horrible things. She probably doesn’t even care about him. Not as much as I do…She probably just wants him for his fucking weed. I didn’t even care about his weed! All I wanted was his attention..that’s all.. All she wants is weed and sex… She doesn’t even care about him… Now he’s giving all of his attention to her. He’s giving her everything she wants.
My family still talks about him like I’m still with him. I think that makes it even worse..that they just don’t care about my feelings. They can’t stop to think if what they are about to say might hurt me…
John is still with that girl…it’s been almost a full month.
My birthday is this saturday.. I just took a taekwondo class today. It was ok. It was fun except for the exercising part. But I just feel super fucking depressed today. For no reason.. I just want John back…
Who knows? Maybe all I’ve ever wanted was a person to be there for me. Maybe I don’t specifically want John. But I miss him so much..Even when I was with Angel..I’m trying..I’m not even talking to him. I told him not to talk to me… It just makes me sick. I can’t believe he would go and get a girl. And I know..I KNOW I sound like a bitch for thinking that…but I loved him. I thought he loved me. And I thought we could work through my fuck ups. I mean I made an effort to work through his! When he went back home from being here he acted like I wasn’t even here for a whole month. And that hurt…that hurt me, it made me feel invisible. But I made an effort to push through it. I know I fucked up, but he should at least try….but instead he goes and finds an african girl.. I don’t know why that makes me so sick..every time I think about it it actually makes me physically sick. I feel dizzy and nauseous. I feel like throwing up. Then I force it out of my head and it’s fine..
God I hate this…I hate this so much.
I have nobody to talk to….
I got food poisoning a couple days ago. I ate hostess’s powdered doughnuts that smelled like formaldehyde and I went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and took a shower. I got out of the shower and felt like I was going to pass out. I made it to the living room and I actually passed out. I don’t know how long it was for but I heard my mother come in the door and I told her that I didn’t feel good.. I was still in my towel and everything..it was embarrassing. But she insisted that I go to the doctor because she said she thinks something is wrong with the doughnuts because she was feeling sick, too, and she only ate one. I ate the whole package… But I’m fine..
The doctor knows that I tried to kill myself..my mom told her..Now I can’t take medicine anymore..she said that I need to do counseling..if I don’t do counseling then it’s back to the looney bin for me..
I drank the whole bottle. Nothing happened. The next day I got a really bad headache and couldn’t eat anything. A couple days after I went to see Angel again…Angel with one “l”. That’s his name, the guy I got caught with. But this time I snuck out to go see him. My mom went out looking for me and I found out that John told her everything. My mom thinks I’m just having sex with all these random guys now. I told her I wasn’t. Because I wasn’t…I literally just sat in his lap and laid my head on his chest. I actually fell asleep on him. I came home and found my mother gone. She came back and guessed just about everything.. I told her I was going to the park the last few times I went to see him. She doesn’t believe anything I say though.. She completely believes John.
I know i made mistakes… I made lots of them. I wish I could take them all back. So I went to look up John on Facebook and found he changed his profile picture. He’s with a girl named Elizabeth. I know for a fact that he never cared about me. It breaks my heart to pieces…I couldn’t even breathe right for 10 minutes. I do not want to think any bad thoughts on anybody but I couldn’t stop thinking how African she looked. This isn’t a bad thing but I didn’t know that John liked these types of girls..it’s really surprising.. Maybe it’s because of how I was raised but I just didn’t find her attractive. Which means that in turn I’m probably not very attractive either.. Though I’m not African I am part black..
I want to cleanse myself from all these bad thoughts that I can’t stop thinking. I haven’t been to sleep… I can’t sleep. Not now..
Well it looks like I’m back to writing to you..
Since I started online school I haven’t really had anybody to talk to.. My nana’s birthday was a couple days ago. I ended up getting her an iTunes card. She turns 59 this year..meaning that my mother will be turning 49 in november… It’s crazy how old we’re all getting. Live seems to go by fast.
Except when it comes to John..Life just teases me when it comes to that fucker… I’ve been thinking about him 24/7. And it just gets worst at night. I feel like ripping my hair out of my head.. Whenever something happens I just have an impulse to call him and tell him. It sucks because then I realize I can’t. I shouldn’t want to anyways..He was so mean… But I was with him for a year and a few months. His newfound meaness does not change the fact that I loved him for that long..
I got a mac. Which is even worst. I can message people with apple devices and facetime, too. The graphics are so much better.. I’m also a master at the keypad.
The downside to all of this is that I haven’t been being very social.. I just don’t care..My life went way downhill and I’ve picked myself back up so many times before.. I guess I’m just too tired to go through that awful process again..Plus I had John through a lot of those times. Now that he is the one that I’m trying to pick myself up from…Well lets just say that it’s done it’s damage.
I’m struggling. But I’m trying to distract myself from running into the street or overdosing on something strong or even just stabbing myself.. I’m trying..
I’m doing some extensive research on Wicca and Paganism. I think this is the reason why I haven’t ever been connected to Christianity.. I’ve always thought there was a high power but never really thought about gods and goddesses as a whole. I’ve been close to goddess Athena and goddess Isis. I was actually planning on changing my name to Athena when I turned 18. About a year ago I attempted to draw a picture of Isis not really knowing much about her. It’s really weird.. Now I look back on all of those times where I felt connections and where I felt like I didn’t fit in my family church.. I think I know why now. Also being born the day after Halloween!! And just being so in love with fall and greek goddesses and feeling in my bones that magic is REAL. And after doing research I feel more assured. I was so scared before doing research. I just thought a witch was a negative thing. Now I know that most of them abide by a rule to NEVER harm anything or anyone. And that they believe in the threefold law! Where if you do something bad it comes back at you three times worse. I know for a fact that I believe in that. I always have.. I’m not practicing wicca..but I think I might. I just don’t know how to tell my parents…
The autumn equinox is on the 23rd which is in a couple of days. I’ve been trying to get my schoolwork done so that I can prepare for it. I really want to celebrate fall and partly Mabon, which is the autumn equinox, a legit holiday in Paganism. I want to meditate for a long period of time that day since it is all about day and night being perfectly balanced at a certain time that day. It’s about balancing yourself out and letting stress go and just a time to give thanks. I’m going to write an extensive letter about what I’m thankful for and maybe post it up here. Later on (hopefully before mabon) I’m going to make a book of shadows.
One step forward, two steps behind.
So you guys remember John? Just two post below this was 5 posts written for him because I could not bear to be away from him. But that camping trip..I went anyways, I didn’t even get a good grade.. But we both survived. Which is more than I can say….but now.. I don’t know what happened. He changed.. Life has been hectic. I’m falling back into depression. I don’t have anybody to talk to. Now I can truly say that nobody cares for me. I ovverdosed on prozac, I’m only supposed to take half a teaspoon, I probably took 4 or 5 times that much. I just want to be happy..or at the least, I want the pain to go away. I drank the whole bottle of FLUoxetine. I don’t think it’s doing anything..
I got him to talk to me last night. Boy I wish I hadn’t. He’s a totally different person. I know I deserve it but not by the standards he thinks I deserve it for. He says that I am immature and that I throw tantrums. I act the same way that he acts. And what he called a tantrum I called an argument. I was actually typing in the format I learned in my English class. Point, evidence, analysis. Except he didn’t let me get the the analysis part because that was when he called me immature.
I thought it was true love.. but I don’t think he ever loved me. He hates me. I don’t think he ever cared, I know for a fact that he doesn’t care right now… I was going through pictures on facebook and deleting posts that included him because there was no use for them. He blocked me. But is still friends with my brother and best friend… Anyways, I was looking at the pictures wondering whether I should delete them or just keep them.. Then I was listening to voicemails. I was listening to the tone in his voice. I don’t know what went wrong. I thought I was being mature when I said I was breaking up with him because I needed to focus more on school and because my stress levels were high. I mean don’t get me wrong, there were definitely good times. Playing minecraft..talking to him while he walked home. But he would always accuse me of making time for everybody else except for him. I mean wouldn’t that be immature? To be honest, I didn’t really have time for anybody.. he was just being too clingy even though I told him I would be busy. But I always missed him… I just needed to focus.
He also accused me of not loving him. I do love him, though. Why would I stay with somebody for a year and four months and not love them? That’s crazy. And the worst part is..I can’t focus now more than ever. I can’t focus on anything at all. My emotional levels are high.. I don’t understand why the prozac isn’t working. My mom is going to make a doctors appointment for me to get more.. I think I’m going to keep overdosing. Maybe not that much but more definitely..
I just want this to be over. I don’t want to deal with any of this..