One step forward, two steps behind.
So you guys remember John? Just two post below this was 5 posts written for him because I could not bear to be away from him. But that camping trip..I went anyways, I didn’t even get a good grade.. But we both survived. Which is more than I can say….but now.. I don’t know what happened. He changed.. Life has been hectic. I’m falling back into depression. I don’t have anybody to talk to. Now I can truly say that nobody cares for me. I ovverdosed on prozac, I’m only supposed to take half a teaspoon, I probably took 4 or 5 times that much. I just want to be happy..or at the least, I want the pain to go away. I drank the whole bottle of FLUoxetine. I don’t think it’s doing anything..
I got him to talk to me last night. Boy I wish I hadn’t. He’s a totally different person. I know I deserve it but not by the standards he thinks I deserve it for. He says that I am immature and that I throw tantrums. I act the same way that he acts. And what he called a tantrum I called an argument. I was actually typing in the format I learned in my English class. Point, evidence, analysis. Except he didn’t let me get the the analysis part because that was when he called me immature.
I thought it was true love.. but I don’t think he ever loved me. He hates me. I don’t think he ever cared, I know for a fact that he doesn’t care right now… I was going through pictures on facebook and deleting posts that included him because there was no use for them. He blocked me. But is still friends with my brother and best friend… Anyways, I was looking at the pictures wondering whether I should delete them or just keep them.. Then I was listening to voicemails. I was listening to the tone in his voice. I don’t know what went wrong. I thought I was being mature when I said I was breaking up with him because I needed to focus more on school and because my stress levels were high. I mean don’t get me wrong, there were definitely good times. Playing minecraft..talking to him while he walked home. But he would always accuse me of making time for everybody else except for him. I mean wouldn’t that be immature? To be honest, I didn’t really have time for anybody.. he was just being too clingy even though I told him I would be busy. But I always missed him… I just needed to focus.
He also accused me of not loving him. I do love him, though. Why would I stay with somebody for a year and four months and not love them? That’s crazy. And the worst part is..I can’t focus now more than ever. I can’t focus on anything at all. My emotional levels are high.. I don’t understand why the prozac isn’t working. My mom is going to make a doctors appointment for me to get more.. I think I’m going to keep overdosing. Maybe not that much but more definitely..
I just want this to be over. I don’t want to deal with any of this..
I think I’m falling into my mothers footsteps. Just laying on my bed eating my problems away. I feel fat but isn’t that normal for a teenage girl? I mean I’m a whooping 125 pounds. I think that’s normal. Anyways, while eating my problems away I’m talking to my ex. I see a problem with that sentence. “Talking” and “ex” should never be in the same sentence unless it’s accompanied with a “if that cunt ever talks to me again”. But lets face the facts here, I think I still love him. Well as much in love as a teenage girl can get. Even after he cheated on me and lied to me. Ok so I guess I need to back up a little bit…
Angell met me a little after he got out of his group home. We knew each other before but never really kicked it off. So he’s asking if we can go out in October. I’m like, sure! Why the hell not? It’s about a month or so and it’s going fairly well, a little boring but still good. Come the end of December he gets antsy and asks if I’d ever cheat on him. And he knows I despise cheaters so I look a little bit more into this. Mid January I find this post on his Facebook from his ex. And it shows he liked it. I got all mad but I soon calmed down figuring I was looking too much into it. I made myself forget about it because I’m always over-thinking things. One day one of my acquaintances bring it up. I ask Angell about it and he blurts out “Did you talk to her?” Of coarse I didn’t talk to her but now the big red sirens are flashing in my head. He explains that the girl thinks they are still together and he has told her before that they aren’t. I’m pissed, so I send this not so polite message to her telling her that he is mine. He gets angry after he finds out. At that point I’m confused as fuck. The truth comes out in the next few days and I find out he has been with her through half our relationship. And since I sent that message “I ruined his life” because she was the second most important person to him, no doubt you already know who he chose to be with. So as you can see, this boy has broken my heart completely, he has made me feel like a worthless piece of shit, and on top of everything she isn’t even pretty.
About a month ago everything died down and I could talk to him without wanting to rip his throat out. I now know a couple of things I didn’t see when we were together. First, he’s as much as a cheating douchebag now than he was when we were together. I figured he would’ve learned his lesson with me but he didn’t. And I know this because he posted “single” on this site a while ago. When I knew for a fact that he definitely was not single. Second, he has his head stuck up his ass. Because even when the universe’s imaginary finger is pointing directly at me he won’t dump her and come to me. Now I don’t want to sound stuck up or rude but she only talks to him for about an hour a day because “she’s focusing on school”. And he’s also moved to Las Vegas, which is further away from her and a tad bit closer to me.
This all connects to my mother because it seems like my life is her shadow. My mom’s parents got divorced, she married a lying cheating skank bag in which she was in love with, even though he treated her like shit. See the pattern? I really don’ t want to be with this guy for 16 years just to realize he’ll never change. Because it’ll be too late by then, we’ll have kids and he’ll have a gazillion more than me because he can’t keep his dick to himself. I’ll just sit there and watch with my six kids, of which will be his.
If there is a god out there. Please don’t let that be me.