Well it looks like I’m back to writing to you..
Since I started online school I haven’t really had anybody to talk to.. My nana’s birthday was a couple days ago. I ended up getting her an iTunes card. She turns 59 this year..meaning that my mother will be turning 49 in november… It’s crazy how old we’re all getting. Live seems to go by fast.
Except when it comes to John..Life just teases me when it comes to that fucker… I’ve been thinking about him 24/7. And it just gets worst at night. I feel like ripping my hair out of my head.. Whenever something happens I just have an impulse to call him and tell him. It sucks because then I realize I can’t. I shouldn’t want to anyways..He was so mean… But I was with him for a year and a few months. His newfound meaness does not change the fact that I loved him for that long..
I got a mac. Which is even worst. I can message people with apple devices and facetime, too. The graphics are so much better.. I’m also a master at the keypad.
The downside to all of this is that I haven’t been being very social.. I just don’t care..My life went way downhill and I’ve picked myself back up so many times before.. I guess I’m just too tired to go through that awful process again..Plus I had John through a lot of those times. Now that he is the one that I’m trying to pick myself up from…Well lets just say that it’s done it’s damage.
I’m struggling. But I’m trying to distract myself from running into the street or overdosing on something strong or even just stabbing myself.. I’m trying..
I’m doing some extensive research on Wicca and Paganism. I think this is the reason why I haven’t ever been connected to Christianity.. I’ve always thought there was a high power but never really thought about gods and goddesses as a whole. I’ve been close to goddess Athena and goddess Isis. I was actually planning on changing my name to Athena when I turned 18. About a year ago I attempted to draw a picture of Isis not really knowing much about her. It’s really weird.. Now I look back on all of those times where I felt connections and where I felt like I didn’t fit in my family church.. I think I know why now. Also being born the day after Halloween!! And just being so in love with fall and greek goddesses and feeling in my bones that magic is REAL. And after doing research I feel more assured. I was so scared before doing research. I just thought a witch was a negative thing. Now I know that most of them abide by a rule to NEVER harm anything or anyone. And that they believe in the threefold law! Where if you do something bad it comes back at you three times worse. I know for a fact that I believe in that. I always have.. I’m not practicing wicca..but I think I might. I just don’t know how to tell my parents…
The autumn equinox is on the 23rd which is in a couple of days. I’ve been trying to get my schoolwork done so that I can prepare for it. I really want to celebrate fall and partly Mabon, which is the autumn equinox, a legit holiday in Paganism. I want to meditate for a long period of time that day since it is all about day and night being perfectly balanced at a certain time that day. It’s about balancing yourself out and letting stress go and just a time to give thanks. I’m going to write an extensive letter about what I’m thankful for and maybe post it up here. Later on (hopefully before mabon) I’m going to make a book of shadows.