Reading the messages…reading that he doesn’t want to make me cry.. he just doesn’t know every time I talk to him i cry. He doesn’t know that just him saying “I don’t want to make you cry” makes me want to cry even more. When he calls me “Jae” or “hun”. I feel like he’s just doing that to make me cry. I feel like he just wants a reaction out of me. My name isn’t Jae. It isn’t hun. My name is Jannetta or Jany. I prefer Jany though. Thank you.
I just want to lash out..I want to lash out and cry at him. I want him to know how bad he is hurting me. I want him to know that he did this to me. I want him to know that HE is the one making me sick every single day. That he is the reason I want to kill myself. I want him to know that I go to sleep and think of him. That I have dreams about him…I want him to know that I miss his voice..His hair..His touch..
I’m going to cut my hair again…
I don’t want him to know that I’m dying. I don’t want him to know that nobody loves me. I don’t want him to know that I got so mad at the world that I lashed out on the panda bear. I threw it away. I couldn’t lay in bed with a panda that’s wearing a shirt that says “I love you Jany, forever and always” IT MAKES ME SICK. He’s a fucking liar! I cried every single night just because of that stupid fucking panda. Just because he can’t keep his promises. He’s just like Ethan..
He said he cares about me. I think he thinks I’m stupid.. I’m not stupid. He can’t lie straight to my face. He can’t…
He’s going to marry that african girl. I fucking hate pina coladas. I fucking hate black girls. I fucking hate the world. This is making me do horrible things. She probably doesn’t even care about him. Not as much as I do…She probably just wants him for his fucking weed. I didn’t even care about his weed! All I wanted was his attention..that’s all.. All she wants is weed and sex… She doesn’t even care about him… Now he’s giving all of his attention to her. He’s giving her everything she wants.
My family still talks about him like I’m still with him. I think that makes it even worse..that they just don’t care about my feelings. They can’t stop to think if what they are about to say might hurt me…
John is still with that girl…it’s been almost a full month.
My birthday is this saturday.. I just took a taekwondo class today. It was ok. It was fun except for the exercising part. But I just feel super fucking depressed today. For no reason.. I just want John back…
Who knows? Maybe all I’ve ever wanted was a person to be there for me. Maybe I don’t specifically want John. But I miss him so much..Even when I was with Angel..I’m trying..I’m not even talking to him. I told him not to talk to me… It just makes me sick. I can’t believe he would go and get a girl. And I know..I KNOW I sound like a bitch for thinking that…but I loved him. I thought he loved me. And I thought we could work through my fuck ups. I mean I made an effort to work through his! When he went back home from being here he acted like I wasn’t even here for a whole month. And that hurt…that hurt me, it made me feel invisible. But I made an effort to push through it. I know I fucked up, but he should at least try….but instead he goes and finds an african girl.. I don’t know why that makes me so sick..every time I think about it it actually makes me physically sick. I feel dizzy and nauseous. I feel like throwing up. Then I force it out of my head and it’s fine..
God I hate this…I hate this so much.
I have nobody to talk to….
I got food poisoning a couple days ago. I ate hostess’s powdered doughnuts that smelled like formaldehyde and I went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and took a shower. I got out of the shower and felt like I was going to pass out. I made it to the living room and I actually passed out. I don’t know how long it was for but I heard my mother come in the door and I told her that I didn’t feel good.. I was still in my towel and everything..it was embarrassing. But she insisted that I go to the doctor because she said she thinks something is wrong with the doughnuts because she was feeling sick, too, and she only ate one. I ate the whole package… But I’m fine..
The doctor knows that I tried to kill myself..my mom told her..Now I can’t take medicine anymore..she said that I need to do counseling..if I don’t do counseling then it’s back to the looney bin for me..
He emailed me today.
I just want to rip my hair out and scream in his face and force him to feel all of what I’m feeling. I just want to kill that girl. She didn’t do anything but she took away my John…I just want this to be a very bad dream. I feel like I should be waking up any minute now. Maybe I’m in a coma and this is just all my own made up world. In that case, I suck at making up worlds…
I remember when he wanted me..He changed…that isn’t him. I want my John back. I know I can do better. I know I can. I will wait for him. In time, he will see that this intruder, “Liz” is no good for him. He’ll see that I’m prettier…He’ll see that I love him and only I can care for him like he wants. He will see that I am better than this girl… I just have to wait. I will wait forever for him.
I drank the whole bottle. Nothing happened. The next day I got a really bad headache and couldn’t eat anything. A couple days after I went to see Angel again…Angel with one “l”. That’s his name, the guy I got caught with. But this time I snuck out to go see him. My mom went out looking for me and I found out that John told her everything. My mom thinks I’m just having sex with all these random guys now. I told her I wasn’t. Because I wasn’t…I literally just sat in his lap and laid my head on his chest. I actually fell asleep on him. I came home and found my mother gone. She came back and guessed just about everything.. I told her I was going to the park the last few times I went to see him. She doesn’t believe anything I say though.. She completely believes John.
I know i made mistakes… I made lots of them. I wish I could take them all back. So I went to look up John on Facebook and found he changed his profile picture. He’s with a girl named Elizabeth. I know for a fact that he never cared about me. It breaks my heart to pieces…I couldn’t even breathe right for 10 minutes. I do not want to think any bad thoughts on anybody but I couldn’t stop thinking how African she looked. This isn’t a bad thing but I didn’t know that John liked these types of girls..it’s really surprising.. Maybe it’s because of how I was raised but I just didn’t find her attractive. Which means that in turn I’m probably not very attractive either.. Though I’m not African I am part black..
I want to cleanse myself from all these bad thoughts that I can’t stop thinking. I haven’t been to sleep… I can’t sleep. Not now..
A lot of things have happened..
I originally planned on doing it on Monday. Monday morning Angel messaged me. The guy that I got caught naked with in the car. It turns out that he did not get put as a sex offender and all he had to do was sit his time for the two parking tickets he got and didn’t go to court for. He doesn’t hate me like I thought. He actually thought I would hate him. He says that he missed me. So I saw him again monday afternoon and we talked.. I also saw him Tuesday afternoon at the same time. Now I feel less guilty.
I just went outside to see the eclipse. The blood moon I think. This is the second one I’ve seen in my entire life. There will be a total of four but I will sadly only get to see two.
I have decided that now is the best time to do it..It isn’t about them, it’s about my depression and how big and uncontrollable it has gotten.
There were songs in my email that you sent to me a long time ago…I never listened to them because it didn’t show up as anything on my phone. On my mac it showed the link. And yes John, I will follow you wherever your mind goes…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_me4SNmGbc&feature=youtube_gdata_player
I will always follow you wherever your mind goes. I know you hear me out there, give me a sign though. Will you follow me wherever my mind go..
And you said that Modern Man’s Hustle by Atmosphere reminds you of me? Do you have to hustle? Does it have to be like this.. I mean, give me a chance.. I will always love you
What am I without you.. a waste of space.
“Maybe we can speed up the process; kill me in my 30’s in the, name of progress. Put me in the dirt and then change the topic. Some times it seems like the only way to stop it.”