My best friend is death
Just go. You’ll make it
Just take a deep breath
But I slip, I trip..bit by bit
I’m losing myself to pain
Just STOP. Don’t look back
Sitting motionless in the rain..
Always thinking about all the things I lack.
I’m not good at a lot of things,
Just an ugly fuck
Observing what life brings
Maybe one day it will bring me luck.
I sure do need it…
With slippery hands,
In this inescapable pit
Not able to even preform life’s simplest commands.
My best friend is death
He’s calling to me, welcoming me.
In his warm embrace, how can I not resist?
She’s been so mean. Takes everything I love and care about. She things it’s amusing.
With nothing left but a broken heart, I’ll run to him. I know he’s waiting.
John is still with that girl…it’s been almost a full month.
My birthday is this saturday.. I just took a taekwondo class today. It was ok. It was fun except for the exercising part. But I just feel super fucking depressed today. For no reason.. I just want John back…
Who knows? Maybe all I’ve ever wanted was a person to be there for me. Maybe I don’t specifically want John. But I miss him so much..Even when I was with Angel..I’m trying..I’m not even talking to him. I told him not to talk to me… It just makes me sick. I can’t believe he would go and get a girl. And I know..I KNOW I sound like a bitch for thinking that…but I loved him. I thought he loved me. And I thought we could work through my fuck ups. I mean I made an effort to work through his! When he went back home from being here he acted like I wasn’t even here for a whole month. And that hurt…that hurt me, it made me feel invisible. But I made an effort to push through it. I know I fucked up, but he should at least try….but instead he goes and finds an african girl.. I don’t know why that makes me so sick..every time I think about it it actually makes me physically sick. I feel dizzy and nauseous. I feel like throwing up. Then I force it out of my head and it’s fine..
God I hate this…I hate this so much.
I have nobody to talk to….
I got food poisoning a couple days ago. I ate hostess’s powdered doughnuts that smelled like formaldehyde and I went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and took a shower. I got out of the shower and felt like I was going to pass out. I made it to the living room and I actually passed out. I don’t know how long it was for but I heard my mother come in the door and I told her that I didn’t feel good.. I was still in my towel and everything..it was embarrassing. But she insisted that I go to the doctor because she said she thinks something is wrong with the doughnuts because she was feeling sick, too, and she only ate one. I ate the whole package… But I’m fine..
The doctor knows that I tried to kill myself..my mom told her..Now I can’t take medicine anymore..she said that I need to do counseling..if I don’t do counseling then it’s back to the looney bin for me..
What do you say happened with Ethan? I fuck things up..that’s what happened. I miss him though. I miss him so much. A couple hours ago I was laying in the dark curled up in a ball. I had my earphones on but wasn’t listening to music. All I could do was think about him.
There’s this song..by Cobra Starship, The World Has It’s Shine (But I Would Drop It On A Dime For You) I told him that it was our song and posted it on his Facebook page. When he dumped me he blocked me from Facebook. The only thing he let me see was that song,
The days after that I wasn’t able to go to sleep unless I heard the song. I would have it on replay, and that’s the only way I was able to go to sleep.
There’s also another song. Your Guardian Angel by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, he said that he loved that song. So those two songs had a special place in my playlist. I named it Ethan.
So I was laying in the dark, and it’s been a long time since I’ve heard the Cobra Starship song plus I couldn’t get him out my mind so I turn it on. I closed my eyes and listened to it. About half way throughout felt my hand starting to tingle. I swear it felt like he was holding my hand. I could feel him everywhere. I kept my eyes closed and I could picture it. Me and him, he’s laying beside me.
Then I start crying. I know I’m a baby but I want him so bad. And I could here him saying its ok. Which made me cry harder. Because I imagined his voice so well I actually believed he was beside me. I opened my eyes….
I think I’m crazy, like no joke. I don’t know if I’m falling into depression again or what. But I want him back.
I want Ethan back.