Well it looks like I’m back to writing to you..
Since I started online school I haven’t really had anybody to talk to.. My nana’s birthday was a couple days ago. I ended up getting her an iTunes card. She turns 59 this year..meaning that my mother will be turning 49 in november… It’s crazy how old we’re all getting. Live seems to go by fast.
Except when it comes to John..Life just teases me when it comes to that fucker… I’ve been thinking about him 24/7. And it just gets worst at night. I feel like ripping my hair out of my head.. Whenever something happens I just have an impulse to call him and tell him. It sucks because then I realize I can’t. I shouldn’t want to anyways..He was so mean… But I was with him for a year and a few months. His newfound meaness does not change the fact that I loved him for that long..
I got a mac. Which is even worst. I can message people with apple devices and facetime, too. The graphics are so much better.. I’m also a master at the keypad.
The downside to all of this is that I haven’t been being very social.. I just don’t care..My life went way downhill and I’ve picked myself back up so many times before.. I guess I’m just too tired to go through that awful process again..Plus I had John through a lot of those times. Now that he is the one that I’m trying to pick myself up from…Well lets just say that it’s done it’s damage.
I’m struggling. But I’m trying to distract myself from running into the street or overdosing on something strong or even just stabbing myself.. I’m trying..
I’m doing some extensive research on Wicca and Paganism. I think this is the reason why I haven’t ever been connected to Christianity.. I’ve always thought there was a high power but never really thought about gods and goddesses as a whole. I’ve been close to goddess Athena and goddess Isis. I was actually planning on changing my name to Athena when I turned 18. About a year ago I attempted to draw a picture of Isis not really knowing much about her. It’s really weird.. Now I look back on all of those times where I felt connections and where I felt like I didn’t fit in my family church.. I think I know why now. Also being born the day after Halloween!! And just being so in love with fall and greek goddesses and feeling in my bones that magic is REAL. And after doing research I feel more assured. I was so scared before doing research. I just thought a witch was a negative thing. Now I know that most of them abide by a rule to NEVER harm anything or anyone. And that they believe in the threefold law! Where if you do something bad it comes back at you three times worse. I know for a fact that I believe in that. I always have.. I’m not practicing wicca..but I think I might. I just don’t know how to tell my parents…
The autumn equinox is on the 23rd which is in a couple of days. I’ve been trying to get my schoolwork done so that I can prepare for it. I really want to celebrate fall and partly Mabon, which is the autumn equinox, a legit holiday in Paganism. I want to meditate for a long period of time that day since it is all about day and night being perfectly balanced at a certain time that day. It’s about balancing yourself out and letting stress go and just a time to give thanks. I’m going to write an extensive letter about what I’m thankful for and maybe post it up here. Later on (hopefully before mabon) I’m going to make a book of shadows.
One step forward, two steps behind.
So you guys remember John? Just two post below this was 5 posts written for him because I could not bear to be away from him. But that camping trip..I went anyways, I didn’t even get a good grade.. But we both survived. Which is more than I can say….but now.. I don’t know what happened. He changed.. Life has been hectic. I’m falling back into depression. I don’t have anybody to talk to. Now I can truly say that nobody cares for me. I ovverdosed on prozac, I’m only supposed to take half a teaspoon, I probably took 4 or 5 times that much. I just want to be happy..or at the least, I want the pain to go away. I drank the whole bottle of FLUoxetine. I don’t think it’s doing anything..
I got him to talk to me last night. Boy I wish I hadn’t. He’s a totally different person. I know I deserve it but not by the standards he thinks I deserve it for. He says that I am immature and that I throw tantrums. I act the same way that he acts. And what he called a tantrum I called an argument. I was actually typing in the format I learned in my English class. Point, evidence, analysis. Except he didn’t let me get the the analysis part because that was when he called me immature.
I thought it was true love.. but I don’t think he ever loved me. He hates me. I don’t think he ever cared, I know for a fact that he doesn’t care right now… I was going through pictures on facebook and deleting posts that included him because there was no use for them. He blocked me. But is still friends with my brother and best friend… Anyways, I was looking at the pictures wondering whether I should delete them or just keep them.. Then I was listening to voicemails. I was listening to the tone in his voice. I don’t know what went wrong. I thought I was being mature when I said I was breaking up with him because I needed to focus more on school and because my stress levels were high. I mean don’t get me wrong, there were definitely good times. Playing minecraft..talking to him while he walked home. But he would always accuse me of making time for everybody else except for him. I mean wouldn’t that be immature? To be honest, I didn’t really have time for anybody.. he was just being too clingy even though I told him I would be busy. But I always missed him… I just needed to focus.
He also accused me of not loving him. I do love him, though. Why would I stay with somebody for a year and four months and not love them? That’s crazy. And the worst part is..I can’t focus now more than ever. I can’t focus on anything at all. My emotional levels are high.. I don’t understand why the prozac isn’t working. My mom is going to make a doctors appointment for me to get more.. I think I’m going to keep overdosing. Maybe not that much but more definitely..
I just want this to be over. I don’t want to deal with any of this..
About an hour ago, I realized maybe I do want just a little attention. Just to be acknowledged that I was there. Only for a little bit. But I understand, and I would like to be alright with my mom not even noticing me. I mean, I can’t really blame her. She has five demons for kids and an ex-husband who has two that were conceived when they were together. But that’s the catch, because there always has to be a catch. They aren’t hers.
My mom has had to endure my dad and his bullshit for 17 years. Only about four years ago they got divorced. And about two years ago actually broke up. He has dragged her into his problems for so long. Now my mom is just crazy. I would be to if a lying, cheating, rotten thing of a man raped me and claimed me as his without my say in happiness. While also dragging along a homewrecker.
And it isn’t just her that I might want attention from for a little while. I might want a couple glances in the halls at school. Or for someone to sit down with me at lunch and talk about.. I don’t know, the weather! It would be nice to have more than one friend. Though I am very grateful for Julia. I feel like such a complete outcast. And sometimes I try to stand out. But that only backfires. Well, I’ll be back in a minute, going to brush my teeth.