I can’t do this. I just wonder when he’ll get sick of her and come back to me. I cannot wait patiently. I try to distract myself. My mother said that she is worried about me. She doesn’t believe that I’m not having sex. I just need distractions… I just want to feel loved.. I want to find the girl that I was with him. I feel so old. I’m exhausted. I want to find a reason to fight this but I can’t..and yet I still try. Maybe it’s faith, faith and hope. That we will be together again.. I want to talk to him..I want to ask him how life is going for him. How his distraction is working for him. If he’s really ever loved me.. But I just have to keep telling myself that it is not the same person. If I ignore my brain and go with my heart and end up talking to him…i will not be talking to the same person. He has helped me..so much with my medical issues. I felt happy with him, like depression wasn’t a thing. And he could somewhat control my bipolar waves. If…if he just tried a little bit harder.. He.. just lost faith in me. I wonder, all the time, if he’s ever even had faith in me to start with. I know he will either lie or tell the truth. But the truth is what I’m afraid of.
What is even worst is that I get so lonely at night. That is when I’d try to talk to him..right before he went to sleep..he was so cute…and it’s sad that I can only think that thought for a second or else I’d have to risk throwing up.. Now I just feel so lonely at night. I can’t sleep and that is when my thoughts attack me and torture me. I cry almost every night… I thought turning 17 would mean new beginnings for me. Not much seems to have changed..
I have made my decision not to contact him. I can’t do it. I can’t talk to him knowing that he has moved on. I can’t talk to him without the thoughts going..over and over again in my head..he has never loved you. He has just been waiting for you to fuck up so he can be rid of you. You were too light for him..I mean..I’m just so unsure of everything. Even the smallest things. He told me that he didn’t really have an image of his dream girl but I fit perfectly. I wonder if he tells that to her now. Just everything he has told me is probably being reused..reused like it was nothing. Like he was not being sincere but only wanted to fuck with my feelings.
I was going to send the ring back. I wore it for like a month after he hurt me. But after I found out about her, I’m not sure if I want to send it back. He might just throw it at every girl he meets.. I would like to just cling to the idea that maybe he loved a tiny part of me and that is why he decided to give that ring to me.. Either way I’m keeping it.