i hate him.
i hate him.
I’m going to stop using this. Maybe I’ll make a different one or just write in an actual diary.. But diaries…they aren’t objects to throw at the writers face..I’m growing over everything. I just don’t let my emotions in. I feel as little as possible. It’s easier that way. With my job I will be out of the house in a year from now. I will change my name and move to the opposite end of the country from everyone I know. I will start a new life. I will start clean where nobody judges me. And nobody looks down at me or hates me. Nobody will want revenge on me..one year from now. Anyways, I’m going to stop using this. I might even delete it.
I’m such a mean person. I don’t deserve anything good. And I know that he will never forgive me, and maybe he shouldn’t. I know that he has never loved me. Why should he? So of course he doesn’t want to come back to me. I’m a monster…
Now understanding that I have nothing to lose..maybe I should just do what my mother thinks I’m doing. There is no harm in it. I already know the outcome..Guys good or bad will get what they want and I will be treated like I should’ve been treated in the beginning. I guess I just got lucky when I stumbled upon John. He was just my lucky streak. I will never find anything better than that, and I had to fuck it up. So why not start going downhill right now? Just to make it faster… It will be better this way. This is the way I deserve to be treated. I should feel used. I should be used…it’s only fair. And maybe it will help me control my emotions while I’m at it.
I can’t do this. I just wonder when he’ll get sick of her and come back to me. I cannot wait patiently. I try to distract myself. My mother said that she is worried about me. She doesn’t believe that I’m not having sex. I just need distractions… I just want to feel loved.. I want to find the girl that I was with him. I feel so old. I’m exhausted. I want to find a reason to fight this but I can’t..and yet I still try. Maybe it’s faith, faith and hope. That we will be together again.. I want to talk to him..I want to ask him how life is going for him. How his distraction is working for him. If he’s really ever loved me.. But I just have to keep telling myself that it is not the same person. If I ignore my brain and go with my heart and end up talking to him…i will not be talking to the same person. He has helped me..so much with my medical issues. I felt happy with him, like depression wasn’t a thing. And he could somewhat control my bipolar waves. If…if he just tried a little bit harder.. He.. just lost faith in me. I wonder, all the time, if he’s ever even had faith in me to start with. I know he will either lie or tell the truth. But the truth is what I’m afraid of.
What is even worst is that I get so lonely at night. That is when I’d try to talk to him..right before he went to sleep..he was so cute…and it’s sad that I can only think that thought for a second or else I’d have to risk throwing up.. Now I just feel so lonely at night. I can’t sleep and that is when my thoughts attack me and torture me. I cry almost every night… I thought turning 17 would mean new beginnings for me. Not much seems to have changed..
I have made my decision not to contact him. I can’t do it. I can’t talk to him knowing that he has moved on. I can’t talk to him without the thoughts going..over and over again in my head..he has never loved you. He has just been waiting for you to fuck up so he can be rid of you. You were too light for him..I mean..I’m just so unsure of everything. Even the smallest things. He told me that he didn’t really have an image of his dream girl but I fit perfectly. I wonder if he tells that to her now. Just everything he has told me is probably being reused..reused like it was nothing. Like he was not being sincere but only wanted to fuck with my feelings.
I was going to send the ring back. I wore it for like a month after he hurt me. But after I found out about her, I’m not sure if I want to send it back. He might just throw it at every girl he meets.. I would like to just cling to the idea that maybe he loved a tiny part of me and that is why he decided to give that ring to me.. Either way I’m keeping it.
My best friend is death
Just go. You’ll make it
Just take a deep breath
But I slip, I trip..bit by bit
I’m losing myself to pain
Just STOP. Don’t look back
Sitting motionless in the rain..
Always thinking about all the things I lack.
I’m not good at a lot of things,
Just an ugly fuck
Observing what life brings
Maybe one day it will bring me luck.
I sure do need it…
With slippery hands,
In this inescapable pit
Not able to even preform life’s simplest commands.
My best friend is death
He’s calling to me, welcoming me.
In his warm embrace, how can I not resist?
She’s been so mean. Takes everything I love and care about. She things it’s amusing.
With nothing left but a broken heart, I’ll run to him. I know he’s waiting.
A city full of people and my favorite is that waitress…
You ain’t got to tangle up the strings to make this puppet work
And by the way, I can see it in your eyes. You’re angry with your life, not a stranger to the fight. I bet you hate every man that you date. And you’re probably addicted to all types of escape. You take it out on me that you’re all alone. When you know you got your own closet full of hollow bones.
I’m waiting for a city bus to flatten me
And transport me to the ever after happily
She said she’s had it up to here
She’s gonna call authorities if I don’t disappear
I love her threats, it rejuvenates my breath
I wonder when she’ll realize
That she’s the only reason I visit
The only woman in my world that acknowledges my existence
Reading the messages…reading that he doesn’t want to make me cry.. he just doesn’t know every time I talk to him i cry. He doesn’t know that just him saying “I don’t want to make you cry” makes me want to cry even more. When he calls me “Jae” or “hun”. I feel like he’s just doing that to make me cry. I feel like he just wants a reaction out of me. My name isn’t Jae. It isn’t hun. My name is Jannetta or Jany. I prefer Jany though. Thank you.
I just want to lash out..I want to lash out and cry at him. I want him to know how bad he is hurting me. I want him to know that he did this to me. I want him to know that HE is the one making me sick every single day. That he is the reason I want to kill myself. I want him to know that I go to sleep and think of him. That I have dreams about him…I want him to know that I miss his voice..His hair..His touch..
I’m going to cut my hair again…
I don’t want him to know that I’m dying. I don’t want him to know that nobody loves me. I don’t want him to know that I got so mad at the world that I lashed out on the panda bear. I threw it away. I couldn’t lay in bed with a panda that’s wearing a shirt that says “I love you Jany, forever and always” IT MAKES ME SICK. He’s a fucking liar! I cried every single night just because of that stupid fucking panda. Just because he can’t keep his promises. He’s just like Ethan..
He said he cares about me. I think he thinks I’m stupid.. I’m not stupid. He can’t lie straight to my face. He can’t…
He’s going to marry that african girl. I fucking hate pina coladas. I fucking hate black girls. I fucking hate the world. This is making me do horrible things. She probably doesn’t even care about him. Not as much as I do…She probably just wants him for his fucking weed. I didn’t even care about his weed! All I wanted was his attention..that’s all.. All she wants is weed and sex… She doesn’t even care about him… Now he’s giving all of his attention to her. He’s giving her everything she wants.
My family still talks about him like I’m still with him. I think that makes it even worse..that they just don’t care about my feelings. They can’t stop to think if what they are about to say might hurt me…