This just dawned on me. And I don’t know how to feel because of it. All it’s doing is making me think more and more about Ethan.
So last year a little bit after I was trying to get over my depression after the break up I had the “slutty” phase. And that put me in sketchy groups. The type of people that will…I don’t know I guess I’ll just come out with it. I was in groups that tend to do a lot of raping if you don’t want to have sex. And the slutty phase lasted for about a week and a half. Then I came to my senses and was asking myself what the hell I was doing with my body. So I broke off contact with that group. But at the time I had a “boyfriend” and I say it like that because all he wanted was my body. I tried to break it off with him..
It didn’t go very well. A couple days after I told him he came to my house.. And because of the universe and its perfect timing, my mom was out that day. He stuck stuff up there that wasn’t supposed to go up there. I was so stupid that I didn’t see it coming, the day I dumped him he said I would regret it and that was my last chance to apologize and act like nothing had happened. But I thought his threats were, well I thought they were just threats.
So..it was dark by the time he left. He had semi choked me, slapped me, and actually pulled some of my hair out. He broke my bra, which was the least of my problems because he gave me a baby.
My mom was back on Sunday. I had made myself look presentable, fixed my hair the best I could, and cover up the bruises. My mom didn’t notice anything was wrong. So I figured everything would be alright.
But something, like a force or energy. I don’t know. Something made me go buy a pregnancy test thingy about a month later. And when it came up positive I was losing it. And the first person I thought to tell was Ethan. Because he was always the voice of reason, he always gave me answers to all my problems. And he used to always be there for me when I needed him. He said that if he told his mom he was his then he could take care of him.
I’m not going to go all into that conversation, maybe another time but after I told my mom she said I would have to get an abortion or she would have to tell my dad. And I knew from the start that if my dad found out he’d kick me out. Or make me get an abortion and then kick me out. I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do anything.
That month my doctor prescribed me to some new pills for my depression. And it turned out that pregnant women can’t take it. So……
That was the end of that.
And today is Mother’s Day. I don’t know what to do..what to feel. Am I supposed to be sad? Do I just let it go and move on? I didn’t ever really know if my baby was a boy or a girl. I just assumed it would be a boy because I thought I knew. Does this all mean that I’m a murderer? I wanted to keep him, I really did
And at this moment, I want to talk to Ethan about it. I want him to comfort me but he’s ignoring me. I don’t know why, I have ideas but I’m not sure. Yesterday, he said he didn’t like me depressed and I told him that this depression is who I am so he doesn’t really like me at all. It just went downhill from there.
Ugh I hate emotions.